I kind of got the chills when I wrote that.
I feel peaceful.
I feel like me. I haven't had this sense of myself since I was five.
When I was five I had a beautiful room. I don't remember the details. My mom said it had Holly Hobby wallpaper. I don't remember the wallpaper, I just remember that every time I walked into that room I felt completely peaceful, like I was stepping into little-girl heaven. It was a large room with white carpet, and an area just for my toys. I also had a bay window where I sat and looked down at the world. That bay window wasn't made of normal glass though, it was made of prismed glass, so that when the sun struck it just so, my beautiful room danced with rainbows. I loved that room. Life was perfect in that room.
When we moved out of that house. My room was much smaller and not so bright. Then we moved again, and I acquired a pink bedroom set. We moved again, and my mom had me come with her to pick out wallpaper, and carpet, and a comforter for my new room.
I didn't notice this growing up, but looking back now, I can see that my mom always made an effort to recreate that perfect little-girls heaven for me. My mom was trying to give me Home no matter where our home was. My mom was trying to rebuild something that was lost. I don't know if I could have been grateful for her efforts at the time, but I am now.
I have found my Home again without buying wallpaper or carpet. My mom was trying to create my Home outside of me, but I couldn't see it or feel it until now. Now that I have found Home inside of me, my external home will build itself.