Writing this blog sometimes brings me to a crossroads. This blog, is a public exhibition of my private life. I am unsure of what to expose and what to keep private. Mostly I’m concerned with healing myself through writing. Today my post might not be interesting, and should possibly be private, but here’s to jumping off cliffs…
For as long as I can remember I have struggled with panic and anxiety attacks. For eight years of my life, leaving the house for elementary school was a daily trauma. One might assume that as I got older and more used to life, things would get easier. That assumption is wrong.
I still cannot leave the house, sometimes I can barely go into the front yard, without a sense of dread. I could repeat this one hundred times a day, and instead of becoming desensitized to the panic, it would paralyze me.
Having lived with this stress for so many years, I have simply adapted without thinking much about it. At other times, I am painfully aware, and I feel that I’m wandering in circles instead of moving forward with life.
I have long believed Home would make the anxiety disappear. But perhaps finding Home won’t change me, but changing myself will create Home.
My “anxiety” can be described as a giant bell that vibrates for days after being rung. I don’t know whether this situation is truly panic and anxiety but those are the most accurate words to describe my state. I don’t believe anxiety causes the ringing, but the ringing causes the anxiety. So the question is, what is the ringing?
For over a year now, I dove deeply into energy and emotional healing. I have successfully been healed of food allergies and most animal allergies. I have identified many unworkable and contradictory beliefs that were keeping me stuck. After identifying these beliefs, and pulling them into my conscious mind, I am able to reframe them into truth.
I believe there is much more power in this kind of healing than in labeling and medicating people.
Many years ago, I talked to a counselor about the ringing, and she said I was probably slightly bi-polar. She said it was a joke among psychologists that everyone wants to be slightly bi-polar to get more done. We had a good laugh at this, but I left her office feeling unsatisfied. I had been labeled. A label is not a solution. Labels don’t help me function better. It is simply a sticker on top of a situation.
I never identified with the bi-polar label. I have been labeled lots of things and none of them felt accurate.
So when I started my journey into energy healing, I took to it right away because here was a community that agreed with me that labels didn’t matter, and medications were often counter-productive. Energy healing is based on the belief that at our core, we are all perfect and everything that takes away from that perfection are beliefs that have buried our perfection.
However, the ringing is still here. This past week, I have focused my attention on finding the source of the ringing and healing it.
Enlisting the help of my energy healing mentor, we spent the last week muscle-testing, analyzing, and finding bits of information.
As a human, I am a creator. Whether I like it or not, my life is created by every emotion, every thought, and every choice. For good or ill, I am creating my life.
Last night, I thought and thought and thought, trying to figure out the root of the ringing. While my husband slept through Robocop, I thought about the ringing and how it connected to everything else I had learned.
As I watched Robocop shoot off his own arm, the belief was uncovered: I believe I am created by the opinions and judgments of others.
This belief has allowed the opinions and judgments of others to create me. That is why I get so upset and withdrawn when I feel criticized, because the criticism is adding to the creation of my life.
Logically, I fought this belief. However, until I found and uprooted this belief at my core, I could not change it. I fought the opinions of others while still allowing them to create me. No wonder I have felt at war. And perhaps the war is the source of the ringing.
I am reframing my unworkable belief into: I am created by my ever-evolving sense of self.
Whether this is the final answer, I don't know, but it is definitely a major step toward a more peaceful life.
Perhaps, this is the beginning of the beginning for me.
For as long as I can remember I have struggled with panic and anxiety attacks. For eight years of my life, leaving the house for elementary school was a daily trauma. One might assume that as I got older and more used to life, things would get easier. That assumption is wrong.
I still cannot leave the house, sometimes I can barely go into the front yard, without a sense of dread. I could repeat this one hundred times a day, and instead of becoming desensitized to the panic, it would paralyze me.
Having lived with this stress for so many years, I have simply adapted without thinking much about it. At other times, I am painfully aware, and I feel that I’m wandering in circles instead of moving forward with life.
I have long believed Home would make the anxiety disappear. But perhaps finding Home won’t change me, but changing myself will create Home.
My “anxiety” can be described as a giant bell that vibrates for days after being rung. I don’t know whether this situation is truly panic and anxiety but those are the most accurate words to describe my state. I don’t believe anxiety causes the ringing, but the ringing causes the anxiety. So the question is, what is the ringing?
For over a year now, I dove deeply into energy and emotional healing. I have successfully been healed of food allergies and most animal allergies. I have identified many unworkable and contradictory beliefs that were keeping me stuck. After identifying these beliefs, and pulling them into my conscious mind, I am able to reframe them into truth.
I believe there is much more power in this kind of healing than in labeling and medicating people.
Many years ago, I talked to a counselor about the ringing, and she said I was probably slightly bi-polar. She said it was a joke among psychologists that everyone wants to be slightly bi-polar to get more done. We had a good laugh at this, but I left her office feeling unsatisfied. I had been labeled. A label is not a solution. Labels don’t help me function better. It is simply a sticker on top of a situation.
I never identified with the bi-polar label. I have been labeled lots of things and none of them felt accurate.
So when I started my journey into energy healing, I took to it right away because here was a community that agreed with me that labels didn’t matter, and medications were often counter-productive. Energy healing is based on the belief that at our core, we are all perfect and everything that takes away from that perfection are beliefs that have buried our perfection.
However, the ringing is still here. This past week, I have focused my attention on finding the source of the ringing and healing it.
Enlisting the help of my energy healing mentor, we spent the last week muscle-testing, analyzing, and finding bits of information.
As a human, I am a creator. Whether I like it or not, my life is created by every emotion, every thought, and every choice. For good or ill, I am creating my life.
Last night, I thought and thought and thought, trying to figure out the root of the ringing. While my husband slept through Robocop, I thought about the ringing and how it connected to everything else I had learned.
As I watched Robocop shoot off his own arm, the belief was uncovered: I believe I am created by the opinions and judgments of others.
This belief has allowed the opinions and judgments of others to create me. That is why I get so upset and withdrawn when I feel criticized, because the criticism is adding to the creation of my life.
Logically, I fought this belief. However, until I found and uprooted this belief at my core, I could not change it. I fought the opinions of others while still allowing them to create me. No wonder I have felt at war. And perhaps the war is the source of the ringing.
I am reframing my unworkable belief into: I am created by my ever-evolving sense of self.
Whether this is the final answer, I don't know, but it is definitely a major step toward a more peaceful life.
Perhaps, this is the beginning of the beginning for me.