Stuck and unstuck.
About an hour ago I wrote a blog post, but it was five paragraphs of unfinished ideas, and when it came time to finish them, I didn't want to. So I stood up from my chair and danced.
Now I feel like writing.
Dancing feels like life whizzing through my blood. At times in my life I have danced daily. Then I went through phases where I stopped dancing. During those non-dancing times, on occasion, I would force myself to dance, but it wasn't fun. I felt heavy and sluggish and barely made it through one song before sitting my puffy body down again.
For the past few months, I have thought about dancing, but I wasn't really feeling it. I kept saying, "Someday I'll dance."
Now you might expect me to say something like: "Today I danced for the first time in years and it was marvelous and I am so angry I didn't do it earlier. Why did I wait? Never wait for someday." But I'm not going to say any of those things. This post isn't about dancing, or seizing the day, but I will get to my point in just a minute.
I danced last week and felt rather good, thank you for asking. Since then, I had a few days where I wasn't feeling it, but today I was REALLY feeling it. I woke up this morning thinking about dancing, but I avoided it until a few minutes ago.
Now, I'm changing the subject, but I swear it will all come together in the end. I have recently noticed a tendency for me to check things. I check the mail, my cell phone, my email, Facebook, my blog statistics, sometimes obsessively. One day when I noticed this feverish checking, I stopped myself. What was I looking for? Even if there was mail in the mailbox or messages from friends, none of this seemed to satisfy the checking. Sometimes I would even set myself up by ordering something online, that way I would be checking the mailbox for something specific, but these were all games of distraction. I was looking, or waiting, for something and that cool pair of five dollar earrings wasn't it.
Yesterday, I spent most of my time on Skype talking with friends and family. When I hung up, I had the thought that that was what I was waiting for.
And yet I woke up this morning, opened my laptop, and started searching again.
I talked to my soul sister today, telling her about this obsessive searching I do to see if she had any insight. She did. She said I was looking for home. I thought about this, and what she said felt right, except hadn't I found home. Why was I still searching?
A few minutes ago, while I danced and sweated and wasn't thinking at all, the answer tapped me on the shoulder. Even though I've found home, there is still a home to find every day. Every day has a purpose, and one thing fulfills that purpose. Yesterday that one thing was spending all day on Skype with friends and family. Today that one thing was dancing. Other days it is writing in my journal, or posting a blog, or going to the store.
Sure, I may do many of these things in one day, but for each day, only one of them is important to my sense of Home. This explains why writing in my journal feels so necessary some days and other days it feels useless. I thought starting every day of my life by writing in my journal was necessary for my sanity and existence, but some days all I need to do is take a long nap.
The next time I notice myself searching my email inbox for the hundredth time that day, or looking at the Dressing Your Truth store for hours, I just need to ask myself what do I really need to feel Home. Although it would be nice to get the same results playing Candy Crush Saga as planning my Sunday lesson, life just doesn't work that way.
About an hour ago I wrote a blog post, but it was five paragraphs of unfinished ideas, and when it came time to finish them, I didn't want to. So I stood up from my chair and danced.
Now I feel like writing.
Dancing feels like life whizzing through my blood. At times in my life I have danced daily. Then I went through phases where I stopped dancing. During those non-dancing times, on occasion, I would force myself to dance, but it wasn't fun. I felt heavy and sluggish and barely made it through one song before sitting my puffy body down again.
For the past few months, I have thought about dancing, but I wasn't really feeling it. I kept saying, "Someday I'll dance."
Now you might expect me to say something like: "Today I danced for the first time in years and it was marvelous and I am so angry I didn't do it earlier. Why did I wait? Never wait for someday." But I'm not going to say any of those things. This post isn't about dancing, or seizing the day, but I will get to my point in just a minute.
I danced last week and felt rather good, thank you for asking. Since then, I had a few days where I wasn't feeling it, but today I was REALLY feeling it. I woke up this morning thinking about dancing, but I avoided it until a few minutes ago.
Now, I'm changing the subject, but I swear it will all come together in the end. I have recently noticed a tendency for me to check things. I check the mail, my cell phone, my email, Facebook, my blog statistics, sometimes obsessively. One day when I noticed this feverish checking, I stopped myself. What was I looking for? Even if there was mail in the mailbox or messages from friends, none of this seemed to satisfy the checking. Sometimes I would even set myself up by ordering something online, that way I would be checking the mailbox for something specific, but these were all games of distraction. I was looking, or waiting, for something and that cool pair of five dollar earrings wasn't it.
Yesterday, I spent most of my time on Skype talking with friends and family. When I hung up, I had the thought that that was what I was waiting for.
And yet I woke up this morning, opened my laptop, and started searching again.
I talked to my soul sister today, telling her about this obsessive searching I do to see if she had any insight. She did. She said I was looking for home. I thought about this, and what she said felt right, except hadn't I found home. Why was I still searching?
A few minutes ago, while I danced and sweated and wasn't thinking at all, the answer tapped me on the shoulder. Even though I've found home, there is still a home to find every day. Every day has a purpose, and one thing fulfills that purpose. Yesterday that one thing was spending all day on Skype with friends and family. Today that one thing was dancing. Other days it is writing in my journal, or posting a blog, or going to the store.
Sure, I may do many of these things in one day, but for each day, only one of them is important to my sense of Home. This explains why writing in my journal feels so necessary some days and other days it feels useless. I thought starting every day of my life by writing in my journal was necessary for my sanity and existence, but some days all I need to do is take a long nap.
The next time I notice myself searching my email inbox for the hundredth time that day, or looking at the Dressing Your Truth store for hours, I just need to ask myself what do I really need to feel Home. Although it would be nice to get the same results playing Candy Crush Saga as planning my Sunday lesson, life just doesn't work that way.