This is perhaps the most ironic post yet. Three weeks ago I wrote a post about gratitude and hated it. I chucked the idea and changed the entire theme of the blog to Love Stories. Now, here I am writing about gratitude, and how it works into love stories.
Now let us begin…
Once upon a time I looked at my husband and thought, “He could be better in the following ways…” I listed his weaknesses. I didn’t list everything because I didn’t want to be a jerk, but he really could use some work.
Another time I looked at my husband and thought, “What an amazing man. I am honored to be loved by him. I hope I’m worthy of his love.”
The first example was me being a jerk. The second example was me being grateful.
A few days ago I thought about this gratitude thing and how I could use more of it.
Of course I love my husband. Of course I’m grateful for him. BUT, the more I thought about improving the gratitude in my life, the more I knew it started with being grateful for him.
Lying in bed that night, I tried feeling that awe, the awe that comes with immense gratitude. I felt a tinge of it, then I argued with it. I pushed the argument down, trying to feel the gratitude again, and the argument exploded back to the surface, burying gratitude in the process.
Fishing through the mess for the gratitude, my mind started jumping around singing random songs and thinking about American Idol. I tried staying focused on gratitude, but everything got in the way. A war raged in my brain, then my heart, and then my whole body.
This wasn’t a generic, faraway war. It was muddy, bloody, kicking-with-broken-legs kind of war, a war on my soul.
The kind of gratitude I was striving for required humility, and humility hurts. I’m too awesome to be humble.
I woke up the next morning, feeling broken and tired, but very grateful.
I was grateful for life. I was in awe of life. I was grateful for my relentlessly beautiful husband. I was so lucky. I was grateful for every person I passed. I was grateful for my body. My body is so wonderful and forgiving. I was grateful for every thought singing through my heart. I was grateful because I’m alive and life is incredible and perfect. Every breath is full of possibilities.
I thought beating the ugliness in my life with negativity would get me the results I wanted, but it seems the opposite is true. Being grateful instantly changed things from ugly to beautiful. And where before I had thought negativity would protect me, now I saw gratitude as a much deeper, stronger, simpler protection.
Then the day ended.
Two days later I was depressed and exhausted. The war of gratitude was not over, but I didn’t know how to keep it up when I was headachey and drained. I thought about giving up on gratitude, maybe humans weren’t meant to be that grateful all the time. Isn’t life about being miserable and complaining?
But life was so beautiful for those two grateful days. I didn’t want to lose that. So I kept up the fight. One day I had stabbing pains in my eyes. Another day I was so drained I could barely move. Another day I was angry at everything. I became depressed. I felt like the world was dark and useless. But in between all these stages I got glimpses of that beautiful, relieving gratitude. Gratitude is better than sunshine. One might even call it “Soul Shine”. Gratitude equalizes all experiences. If I gain everything one year and lose it the next, gratitude stabilizes me through it all. Gratitude makes me feel heavier, more solid and secure, allowing me to feel pain and happiness more fully, while lifting burdens I didn’t know I carried.
Gratitude. I’ve never felt it like this. Who knew it would be so hard and so wonderful?
However it ends, this war is worth fighting.
Now let us begin…
Once upon a time I looked at my husband and thought, “He could be better in the following ways…” I listed his weaknesses. I didn’t list everything because I didn’t want to be a jerk, but he really could use some work.
Another time I looked at my husband and thought, “What an amazing man. I am honored to be loved by him. I hope I’m worthy of his love.”
The first example was me being a jerk. The second example was me being grateful.
A few days ago I thought about this gratitude thing and how I could use more of it.
Of course I love my husband. Of course I’m grateful for him. BUT, the more I thought about improving the gratitude in my life, the more I knew it started with being grateful for him.
Lying in bed that night, I tried feeling that awe, the awe that comes with immense gratitude. I felt a tinge of it, then I argued with it. I pushed the argument down, trying to feel the gratitude again, and the argument exploded back to the surface, burying gratitude in the process.
Fishing through the mess for the gratitude, my mind started jumping around singing random songs and thinking about American Idol. I tried staying focused on gratitude, but everything got in the way. A war raged in my brain, then my heart, and then my whole body.
This wasn’t a generic, faraway war. It was muddy, bloody, kicking-with-broken-legs kind of war, a war on my soul.
The kind of gratitude I was striving for required humility, and humility hurts. I’m too awesome to be humble.
I woke up the next morning, feeling broken and tired, but very grateful.
I was grateful for life. I was in awe of life. I was grateful for my relentlessly beautiful husband. I was so lucky. I was grateful for every person I passed. I was grateful for my body. My body is so wonderful and forgiving. I was grateful for every thought singing through my heart. I was grateful because I’m alive and life is incredible and perfect. Every breath is full of possibilities.
I thought beating the ugliness in my life with negativity would get me the results I wanted, but it seems the opposite is true. Being grateful instantly changed things from ugly to beautiful. And where before I had thought negativity would protect me, now I saw gratitude as a much deeper, stronger, simpler protection.
Then the day ended.
Two days later I was depressed and exhausted. The war of gratitude was not over, but I didn’t know how to keep it up when I was headachey and drained. I thought about giving up on gratitude, maybe humans weren’t meant to be that grateful all the time. Isn’t life about being miserable and complaining?
But life was so beautiful for those two grateful days. I didn’t want to lose that. So I kept up the fight. One day I had stabbing pains in my eyes. Another day I was so drained I could barely move. Another day I was angry at everything. I became depressed. I felt like the world was dark and useless. But in between all these stages I got glimpses of that beautiful, relieving gratitude. Gratitude is better than sunshine. One might even call it “Soul Shine”. Gratitude equalizes all experiences. If I gain everything one year and lose it the next, gratitude stabilizes me through it all. Gratitude makes me feel heavier, more solid and secure, allowing me to feel pain and happiness more fully, while lifting burdens I didn’t know I carried.
Gratitude. I’ve never felt it like this. Who knew it would be so hard and so wonderful?
However it ends, this war is worth fighting.